Great Chieftain of the Pudding Race
[A note to Rokas and Justas: This post is not about Lithuania. Sorry. I promise I’ll get to it eventually!]
One of the biggest questions I got from Americans when they heard I was going to Scotland was, “Are you going to eat haggis?”
The second question was generally, “Do you know what it is?”
The answer to the second questions was always a quick yes, in the hopes that I wouldn’t have to hear about organs being stuffed in other organs, like some sort of Organception (yes, I went there). The answer to the first question was a bit more complicated. In the end, I got used to replying, “If someone offers me haggis, I’ll try it.” A diplomatic, culturally-sensitive answer that could easily save me from ever consuming the dish.
Or so I thought.
It turns out that I arrived in Scotland less than four weeks before Burns’ Night, the annual celebration of the national poet Robert Burns. His poetry is not very well-known in America, mostly—I believe—due to the fact that it is written in heavy, out-dated Scots. He’s regarded as the Scottish Shakespeare, but I find him even less comprehensible. Still, we’re all very familiar with at least one of his lines:
The best-laid schemes o’ mice and men
Gang aft agley
Translation: The best-laid plans of mice and men go often askew.
That line comes from one of his most famous poems, “To a Mouse,” which I was asked to read at a Chinese Burns Supper this past Friday.
Maybe I should start at the beginning.
My first Saturday in Scotland, I went to Google, searched “Church of Scotland” and found the closest one to my apartment. When I attended the church the following morning, I was (pleasantly) overwhelmed with how incredibly welcoming everyone was. At least five people invited me to the next meeting of the International Welcome Club, a group of foreigners and Glaswegians which meets in the church every Friday night. Curious, I went along. The club was preparing for their Burns’ Night Supper which was to be the following Friday. And since Burns’ Night was on the 25th and Chinese New Year fell on the 23rd, they decided to combine the two into one multi-national celebration. There would be Chinese poems interspersed with Burns’ work, traditional decorations for both celebrations, and—most intriguingly—haggis dumplings.
How could I say no to something like that?
At some point in the evening, I was recruited—along with seven or so other international students—to read part of a Burns poem on the big night. I volunteered to read the second verse of “To A Mouse,” which turned out to be the easiest verse of any of the poems because it had no Scots words. And of course, of all the international students, I was the only one whose first language was English.
We got together in The Crypt, a simple but nice café in the church basement for lunch on Wednesday to practice our pieces. My fellow Mouse readers were from Germany and Japan and had to have their lines explained to them word by word in more standardized English just so they could understand what they were saying. They assumed I, as a native English speaker, understood the poem as well as Grace, the Glaswegian woman teaching us. And there were some words that I could decipher. Years of Shakespeare and church hymns prepared me for words like e’e, wi’, thro’, strewin, and the like. The key in such cases is that it’s just a non-standard spelling; say it out loud and the meaning follows. But when we get to things like, “A daimen icker in a thrave,” I’m just as clueless as the non-native speakers. But we all muddled through and in the end I think it turned out quite nicely.
It helped that we had an actual Scotsman reading every other verse, so at least the Glaswegians knew what us foreigners were aiming for.
But you’re not reading this for poetry. You’re reading to hear about haggis. I’m getting there, don’t worry.
The supper was held in the Crypt, with tables crammed in where ever they would fit, and decorated with tartan table cloths and napkins. On every table was a bottle of Irn Bru (iron brew), a kind of soda that is the national drink of Scotland after whiskey. It is bright orange and tastes, to quote my mother, like liquid Juicyfruit gum.
Frankly, I’d rather have haggis.
Before the meal, a man from the church performed the traditional poem “To A Haggis,” which includes the ceremonial “killing” of the haggis.
Basically, the haggis is energetically and enthusiastically stabbed. Repeatedly.
I’m beginning to believe that Scotland is just inherently more fun.
My one Scottish flat mate, David, told me that his favorite part of every Burns’ Night party is the addressing of the haggis. And he was raised a vegetarian. I guess there’s something about a grown man dueling a dinner that everyone can appreciate.
Now, according to David, the haggis is a wild creature with three legs that runs around hills in the Highlands. The way to catch one is to run the other way around the hill. This causes the haggis to fall over, because it only has three legs. So kind of like a porcine Reliant Robin (Top Gear is very popular in my flat).
However, my friend Ciorstan from Aberdeen had a slightly different version of the tale. Haggis have four legs, but the legs on one side are slightly shorter than on the other. This makes it easier for them to run around those highland hills. Male and female haggises run in opposite directions around the hills so that they can meet in the middle and kiss.
Considering I was hearing this after seeing a haggis violently stabbed, Organception was honestly starting to sound more appetizing. But on to the food. Haggis is traditionally served with tatties (mashed potatoes) and neeps (mashed turnips).
I challenge anyone to come up with a cuter name for a food than neeps. Anyone.
As anyone who spent sufficient time at church social events can tell you, church cooks are masters at serving complex foods in the simplest form as quickly as possible to huge numbers of people. It kind of like a school cafeteria, except the food is good. Consequently, the haggis, tatties, and neeps were served like shepherd’s pie. Which was probably what saved the whole thing for me, because the haggis looked vaguely like ground beef. “Ok,” I told myself. “I can handle this. It’s just like beef.”
Haggis, as it turns out, has very little in common with beef. It’s grainy, like ground beef, but the texture is not uniform. The meat is kind of squishy, while the oats mixed in are tougher.
As my friend Ciorstan from Aberdeen said, “There’s no dish you can’t make better by adding some oats.”
So. Scottish.
As for the flavor of haggis, there is a definite meaty taste that I couldn’t quite identify. I assume it’s something akin to pork. The primary flavor, however, is pepper, and some other seasonings. The tatties and neeps (I just love saying neeps) are more creamy and bland, so they cut down on the spiciness and compliment the haggis.
Maybe now’s the time to admit that I actually kind of like the stuff.
The texture takes some getting used to, but as far as the flavor goes, I could really come to enjoy haggis.
Haggis-flavored crisps are delicious. Just so you know.
Serves alongside the haggis pie were the Chinese haggis dumplings. While I liked them because you could relaly taste the haggis, Ciorstan didn’t know what to make of the texture.
“They’re really….” she said searching for the word.
“Squishy?” I offered.
“Yes, that’s it. Squishy.”
So squishy they were.
After the plates were cleared, trays of oatcakes, cheese, and shortbread were brought round to each table. And after that, they unveiled the Scottish dumpling, a kind of pudding not often prepared anymore. In the UK, pudding generally means dessert, and this pudding was something akin to a fruitcake, although very moist and tasty. Tea rounded off the meal, and by then I was ready to fall asleep on the spot. But the poetry readings were still to come.
Burns’ poems were alternated with Chinese poems and song. There was an open mic session during which people from all walks of life brought out their party pieces. People in the US talk about party pieces (or at least my mother does), but I didn’t know that a party piece was ever performed at parties.
The evening ended—as it should—with Auld Lang Syne. Unlike the gathering I wrote about before, we did it right this time. To do Auld Lang Syne properly, everyone has to stand in a circle holding hands. Then in the second verse you let go of the people next to you, cross your arms, and take their hands again, so that everyone is more closely connected.
So there you have it, my close encounter with haggis. My first close encounter, anyway. The following night (last night), Ciorstan invited me over to her flat for dinner with her and her American flat mate Alejandra. In honor of Burns’ Night, she made haggis, tatties, neeps, and sausages, and it was all amazing. I found myself taking three helpings of haggis. Alejandra, who is in her third year at Glasgow (fourth in the UK) said she likes haggis more every time she eats it, and I could see the same happening to me.
Consider yourself warned now.























